I have no ill will

It's raining outside. Actually, it's pouring down in sheets and the clouds above the city look rather gloomy and foreboding as though something terrible my occur today. And I'm inside my office building on the 5th floor looking out at the gloom and doom and I'm smiling. Yes, I'm happy that water is coming out of the sky in buckets. Why? Because the rain is washing away all the pollen in the air and I can finally breath easy. Having allergies is a pain and after wiping a runny nose a dozen times a day until the skin on my upper lip is red and chafed dry isn't my idea of fun. So, no allergies today. And with the rain, I know for a fact that my ex-friend won't be working today. He can't fly let alone teach flying in stormy weather. No work means no money earned and nowhere to go and nothing to do but surf the web and look for online dates in the hopes of not being alone all day. I'm very happy that it's raining. Now, if only this weather would last until Spring time. Wouldn't that be nice? It would. Yes, it would.

and the drama continues...

The other night, I met my non-ex's friend, John (I consider him my friend also) for drinks at Hobson's Choice on Haight. We're chatting about relationships and just "shooting the shit" when the non-ex wants to meet for drinks. He's unaware that I'm with John right now and when he's told of that, he changes his mind. I think nothing of it.

Today, I get the following txt:
"Hey do me a favor try not to hang out with my friends. I don't go looking up yours. If I'm such a terrible friend my friends are too.
That really pisses me off. Your a hypocrit."

So I respond with the following:
"What the fuck is your problem? Your friends can decide for themselves who they want to hang with. If this is an issue, go talk to john about it. You have no respect for me so I have none for you."

He shoots off a glaringly insecure response that screams immature school yard tantrum:
"I will. I think we know who he will choose? Don't we.
Don't kid yourself."

I won't respond back and will let this be. All I could do was laugh and call up friends and tell them of the latest drama. The unfortunate thing is that I lost a potential friend in John to the non-ex's childish behavior. But his anger just confirmed my original decision and I'm seeing the non-ex in such a negative light that I'm thankful I am free of him.

Sunkissed and refreshed

I returned home from a well-rested Hawaii vacation with my dear friend earlier this week. And now that I'm back, I dealt with the last remnants of the ex-relationship. Finally. I ended it completely and letting go what I should have done a long, long time ago. I learned my lesson and won't make that mistake again.

We met the day after I got back to the city and I vented my frustrations and hurt feelings. All he could say was that he was "sorry". There really wasn't anything more he could do at that point. The damage was already done and for me, there really wasn't anything going back to. He wanted to remain friends, as in, "true friends". His words, not mine. I was, of course, hurt. To think that being intimate meant nothing to him and was just "an added bonus" to what I now believe, was a superficial friendship, made me realize what a fool I have been. I couldn't be friends with someone who had no respect for me.

I spotted this article about the age old "friends" issue here which pretty much summed up my past situation and given time, I'll be a happier and healthier person without him.

Deleted all his emails, all photos, contact information, etc. Erased for good.

Off to Hawaii

I'm leaving shortly after work today for a long overdue vacation in Hawaii. It'll be nice to get away from the bay area and re-energize. This will give me time to think about what I want and what I should do about "Alfred" and my half-hearted quasi-non-relationship.

UPDATE:
I emailed him before I left for my trip with my explanation and how hurt I felt. He repeated the whole "let's be friends" lecture and didn't apologize for his past behavior until I asked for it. Then I got an insincere one.

I returned the key

It's been two weeks and I decided to drop off my ex's house key this morning. I didn't need it anymore and returning items is a form of closure for me. I could have thrown it away and let it be. But well, I wanted him to know I was sad. So I attached his house key to one of my Yoshitomo Nara postcards titled "My 13th Sad Day" and written "your house key. Thanks." It has been exactly 13 days since our fight. The postcard was very appropriate.

He texted me this morning with the following:

"Got the key. If your able to be friends let me know. It would be a shame to let everything(sic) go."

I'm still deciding if I should respond or let it be. I think I'm expecting an apology or acceptance of his responsibility in all this. Or maybe I just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired.

UPDATE: He didn't understand the card's meaning and thought it was "creepy". Whatever.

from being special to nothing

That's exactly how I have been feeling since August 6th. What was supposed to be a fun, entertaining post birthday celebration of flying around the bay area and watching a Giants game with Alfred turned into a reality wake up call for me. I had my emotions pummeled, my feelings mocked and deflated, and my overall sense of self worth thrown around like a piece of overused trash. And that's putting things lightly.

Time has healed the wounds and I'm not as angry and hurt as I was on that drama-filled Monday. The writing was on the wall, so to speak, and I'm finally seeing the impossibility of remaining friends with someone who treats me with little respect. I have decided to terminate my friendship with Alfred. I had enough of him and his toxic behavior has put a damper on my moralistic views. An on/off relationship of one year with someone who is irresponsible and childish is now over. I wash my hands clean of him.

And then..

To recap this month of July:

Dodge ball has ended. We won the first round but lost in the finals.
Solan and I temporarily moved into our new home. I sleep on an aerobed while Solan has the carpeted floor and the run of the flat. I prep and cook meals on cabinet shelving and eat standing up. I have one patio recliner so I don't have to sit on the floor. There is no other furniture.
I'm spending more money at the neighborhood bars and getting sloshed than I did in the last six months combined.
I was invited to three baby showers and one bridal shower. I'm only attending the bridal shower.
I attended all of ONE singles event, which was free, and received ZERO dates out of it. This should tell me something..
I ran a half marathon yesterday. Took a wrong turn and screwed up my official time.
I smoked pot for the first time since college. It had no effect on me.
I hugged Alfred during one of our drunken nights out and he bit my arm so I punched his arm half a dozen times. He sports a decent sized bruise now and I sport a bruise that resembles a bite mark. We obviously have a very special relationship.

I'm seeing Alfred E. Neuman

My special ex-b/f and I are hanging out again. The more I see him, the more I think he looks like Alfred E. Neuman. I think I'll call him Alfred from now on. And yes, he doesn't worry. Heck, he doesn't even care.


Working on acquiring a comparison photo..

He's no friend of mine

I'm in a state of mellow disrepair today. I planned to go out and watch the Pride parade but I woke up too late and feeling as though my head's about to explode, I decided it's best to take it easy.

These long nights are starting to take it's toll on me and it's becoming difficult to stay social and generally "awake". Friday night wasn't too bad. Met up with my "special friend" for sushi before hanging out with his posse at Red Devil to hear French Disco headline. Music was entertaining but my planned talk didn't fare well and my friend's ambiguous one-liners about our "friendly" relationship upset me. I can't deal with the wishy washy attitude he has. I'm much too old to be dealing with a fwb situation. I don't have time for the drama. He really is not a friend of mine. I need to clarify our relationship and I'm tired of not knowing where we really stand. I feel like I have wasted too much of my time and getting emotionally attached because of it.

my future home in a month..

It's the peach colored duplex on the right...

feeling young again

After a game of dodge ball last evening, my team and I headed to Pig and Whistle for a little team drinking and socializing. Turns out that I'm the oldest one in the group with the majority being 28 yrs old. With the several pitchers of beer we were downing, they thought I was 28 also. I'm glad they thought that. I don't want to be the grandma in the group.

Google everywhere

Everyone knows by now that Google has their hand in everything it seems. Just yesterday, they added "Street Views" on Google Maps. It's a bit like Big Brother is watching us all. When were these 360 degree photos taken? That's what I want to know and how often do they get updated?

Check out this view of my neighborhood. A bit creepy...

going cold turkey

After several hours of pseudo-therapy with my friend last friday, I've decided it would be in my best mental and emotional interest to go "cold turkey" w/ my special friend. I had more than my fair share of relationship letdowns and I think it's high time I just bail on this one. All my friends have been incredibly supportive of my decision and I'm sure they are relieved now that I will have less drama to complain about.

Even today, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can breath a sigh of relief. It is as though I managed to wash off the remainder of the stubborn ink stains from my fingers. But the real test is to not answer my cell when he calls and not respond to the emails he sends me. I'm sure he will get the hint as quickly as I have gotten his hints. Time will tell.

another festival, another day older

San Francisco hosts way too many festivals. There's the SF Indie, Asian American Film, SF International Film, Mission Creek Arts & Music, etc. I can go on and on about festivals since I've been making a point to participate in these events. I see it as a "donation" to the creative arts since my wannabe creative spirit is too lazy to produce anything worthwhile for the rest of the general population to experience.

The SF International Film fest wrapped up it's 50th year while the 11th Annual Mission Creek Arts & Music started yesterday. And tonight, I'm going to see a friend's band play tonight at Hemlock.

I'm tired just thinking about all the socializing I'm going to have to suffer through tonight. Well, it won't be all that bad. Who really talks while a band is playing? I think the week has worn me down. I go out at night way too much and spend money I don't really have just to get out of the house and give the appearance of looking busy. It's no wonder I feel older than I look. Or maybe I look older than I feel.

worth the sleep deprivation

I'm wired on coffee and music thanks to a busy weekend.

I traveled to beautiful Big Sur Saturday, hung out with friends in Monterey, and got three hours of sleep before waking up at 3am for the marathon relay on Sunday.

My team placed 3rd in corporate and 12th overall. Woohoo! Amazing day for running. Cool and foggy through most of the morning before clearing up later in the afternoon. We went out to lunch at Phil's Fish Market and Eatery at Moss Landing. It's a local restaurant known for their cioppino, which I ordered a large bowl of and stuffed myself with.

Drove back to the city late afternoon and got ready to go back out to meet up with another set of friends at Edinburgh Castle. By then, I was sleepy and the Stella and fried chips and mushrooms didn't help wake me up. We headed off to the Regency to see the Good, the Bad, and the Queen.

What a fun concert! Frontman Damon Albarn, formerly Blur, heads what was originally a solo project, now has become a band. The music is very different from his usual sound; catchy. More like a cross between Brian Eno electronica and alternative pop/soul. Check it out here.
After the concert, I met up with my special friend for a drink at Nopa for a nightcap. I'm a new fan of nightcaps now.

Is this the best way to sell a vehicle? On CL?

I have been using CL to sell my goods (electronics, concert/game tickets) for the past three or so years with success and never had problems with my customers. I suppose I have been fortunate. But I'm also street-savvy and generally wary of anyone and everyone. I have my guard up 24/7 and if something doesn't feel quite right, I listen to my instincts.

So, my special friend requested my assistance in selling his 01 Audi S4 to the general public. Originally, I said sure but then I had second thoughts. I never sold any item over a couple thousand before and selling someone else's vehicle online would be a new experience for me. Along with the complication of dealing with a large money transaction, a potential sale such as this can be daunting. I gave my friend a number of excuses to back out of helping him. Why should I anyway? I made it clear I didn't want commission (I wasn't going to be bought) and if I did help him, I would be helping under false pretenses, namely wanting a bf/gf relationship with him. Obviously, I would be fooling myself.

Sadly, I'm foolish, generous and can't say no to a cute boy with dark brown messy hair and freckles. The following day I take digital photos of his Audi, post a CL ad, create a new yahoo account, link up his photos online and wait.

Three responses in 24 hours. Two seemed legit. One guy in the city asked for additional photos and more info about the car. The second one asked for the location of the vehicle. Both didn't respond back to my emails. The third, a woman, pulled up red flags with me. She responded fairly quickly and didn't ask for details about the Audi other than wanting to test drive and see it "up close and personal" ASAP.

First off, this woman sent a form letter. How do I know this? She sent me the same email twice except one said "interested in your car" and the other "interested in your Audi". Secondly, she didn't ask questions. If you were willing to shell out several thousand on a vehicle, wouldn't you want to ask questions about it before making a trip to test drive? Maybe I'm wrong and I shouldn't be too cautious. She gave me a 209 cell # and her full name. I googled her. I couldn't find much info. My gut feeling was that something wasn't quite right. There are a lot of scammers out there and my instinct was telling me to pass on this one. The more I thought about it, the stronger my thoughts said no.

What would happen if my friend, desperate to sell his Audi, accepts this woman's cashier's check? I doubt my friend would be savvy enough to call the bank where the check came from and confirm that the funds are there. What if he cashes it, hands over his car and title, only to find out a week later that the check didn't clear? I would feel terrible to let a friend get screwed over even though he probably deserves a lesson in the value of money. But that is beside the point. He asked for my help and I agreed to do just that.

I decided to call up my friend and tell him to cancel their meeting for today. I had my doubts and having to drive out to meet this person for a test drive in the middle of the day would have strapped him for time anyway. Better safe than sorry.

We will miss you, Brenda

It is with great sadness to have received news that my friend, Brenda Donato, passed away today. Below is the email I received from TnT Manager Monica Healy..
____________________________________
Brenda passed away tonight, just after 5 pm. She was surrounded by her family and loving friends.




Tonight, we can rest easy that she is at peace. She fought an amazing fight - right up until the end. Our real work begins now. We need to keep her spirit alive in everything we do. The world needs and deserves Brenda and it is our job to make sure they experience the wonderful, loving, big-hearted, spirited and of course, 'freakishly strong' person that we knew.
___________________________________

I first met Brenda when I participated on the East Bay run team back in Fall 2005. She was one of our team Honorees and gave moving and emotional speeches to the team when we needed the motivation the most.

I remember running into her at Sports Authority in Concord on a Thursday in 2005 during a rare day off work. She was there with her oldest son shopping for triathlete clothing. Brenda was so positive and always in a cheery mood, it was infectious. She told me she was signing up for the Tri team next season and would be participating in the Wildflower in May 2006. Even with such a terrible disease, her spirit was stronger than anyone I have ever known and she didn't let anything slow her down. Brenda trained and completed the Wildflower Olympic with her team and I have never been more happy and proud of her.

Brenda has been such an inspiration for me that I feel blessed to have known her. I will miss her very much.. Rest in peace.

when I know it's not going to work

Many people, specifically women, fall into the casual relationship trap. I thought I could handle it. The theory that lovers without commitment is the way to go when both parties want their physical needs met without having to deal with the time, energy and money necessary for a "serious" relationship is flawed. I know full well that I would eventually start to get emotionally attached and want something more than the physical aspect of a relationship. How long could I hold out? Not very long, it seems.

I asked questions last night and got a mishmash of answers that pointed in the general direction of what I expected. It is a casual relationship. It is a FWB relationship. It will go nowhere. I am wasting time. I miss dating. I miss feeling special. I miss planning outings together on weekends. I miss the "little things" like holding hands, kissing, all the public displays of affection.

Now, I'm at that point where I feel emptier every time a hookup occurs. Before I fall deeper in, I need to get out and fast. It's inevitable. My friends all saw that it was inevitable. Cut the cord, they would tell me. Move on. Find someone who has the time and can give you what you want. But it's always easier said than done.

Submitted my fifteen and now I have a migraine

I finished writing my first 15 pages and sent it out to my class today. And I currently have a massive migraine after eating one too many apple sour candies. I'm fidgety and anxious and annoyed that my so-called special friend, has not called me about tonight's evening plans. I am perturbed. I accepted a free movie invite from a girlfriend rather than wait for my "friend" for our usual Friday night hookup. What is pathetic is that I need that hookup! It's what I have been looking forward to at the end of this stressful work week. Damn him. I have to trade in for another lover. This current one is not working well for me.

11 pages down and 300+ to go

I have been diligently plugging away on my novel and managed to write 12 pages worth since last Saturday. This is pathetic. I tend to write a paragraph, stop, read it through, make some edits, re-write, and then move on only to return to the original paragraph and do more edits. No wonder it's taking me a long time to write 15 pages.
Yes, 15 pages that I need to submit by midnight tomorrow. I lack the discipline to just sit and write. Not edit. Not read over what I wrote. But to write and write and not stop until I have some semblance of a story.
At least my outline I drew up is helping me along and 12 pages really isn't that bad. Three more to go..