going cold turkey

After several hours of pseudo-therapy with my friend last friday, I've decided it would be in my best mental and emotional interest to go "cold turkey" w/ my special friend. I had more than my fair share of relationship letdowns and I think it's high time I just bail on this one. All my friends have been incredibly supportive of my decision and I'm sure they are relieved now that I will have less drama to complain about.

Even today, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can breath a sigh of relief. It is as though I managed to wash off the remainder of the stubborn ink stains from my fingers. But the real test is to not answer my cell when he calls and not respond to the emails he sends me. I'm sure he will get the hint as quickly as I have gotten his hints. Time will tell.

another festival, another day older

San Francisco hosts way too many festivals. There's the SF Indie, Asian American Film, SF International Film, Mission Creek Arts & Music, etc. I can go on and on about festivals since I've been making a point to participate in these events. I see it as a "donation" to the creative arts since my wannabe creative spirit is too lazy to produce anything worthwhile for the rest of the general population to experience.

The SF International Film fest wrapped up it's 50th year while the 11th Annual Mission Creek Arts & Music started yesterday. And tonight, I'm going to see a friend's band play tonight at Hemlock.

I'm tired just thinking about all the socializing I'm going to have to suffer through tonight. Well, it won't be all that bad. Who really talks while a band is playing? I think the week has worn me down. I go out at night way too much and spend money I don't really have just to get out of the house and give the appearance of looking busy. It's no wonder I feel older than I look. Or maybe I look older than I feel.

worth the sleep deprivation

I'm wired on coffee and music thanks to a busy weekend.

I traveled to beautiful Big Sur Saturday, hung out with friends in Monterey, and got three hours of sleep before waking up at 3am for the marathon relay on Sunday.

My team placed 3rd in corporate and 12th overall. Woohoo! Amazing day for running. Cool and foggy through most of the morning before clearing up later in the afternoon. We went out to lunch at Phil's Fish Market and Eatery at Moss Landing. It's a local restaurant known for their cioppino, which I ordered a large bowl of and stuffed myself with.

Drove back to the city late afternoon and got ready to go back out to meet up with another set of friends at Edinburgh Castle. By then, I was sleepy and the Stella and fried chips and mushrooms didn't help wake me up. We headed off to the Regency to see the Good, the Bad, and the Queen.

What a fun concert! Frontman Damon Albarn, formerly Blur, heads what was originally a solo project, now has become a band. The music is very different from his usual sound; catchy. More like a cross between Brian Eno electronica and alternative pop/soul. Check it out here.
After the concert, I met up with my special friend for a drink at Nopa for a nightcap. I'm a new fan of nightcaps now.

Is this the best way to sell a vehicle? On CL?

I have been using CL to sell my goods (electronics, concert/game tickets) for the past three or so years with success and never had problems with my customers. I suppose I have been fortunate. But I'm also street-savvy and generally wary of anyone and everyone. I have my guard up 24/7 and if something doesn't feel quite right, I listen to my instincts.

So, my special friend requested my assistance in selling his 01 Audi S4 to the general public. Originally, I said sure but then I had second thoughts. I never sold any item over a couple thousand before and selling someone else's vehicle online would be a new experience for me. Along with the complication of dealing with a large money transaction, a potential sale such as this can be daunting. I gave my friend a number of excuses to back out of helping him. Why should I anyway? I made it clear I didn't want commission (I wasn't going to be bought) and if I did help him, I would be helping under false pretenses, namely wanting a bf/gf relationship with him. Obviously, I would be fooling myself.

Sadly, I'm foolish, generous and can't say no to a cute boy with dark brown messy hair and freckles. The following day I take digital photos of his Audi, post a CL ad, create a new yahoo account, link up his photos online and wait.

Three responses in 24 hours. Two seemed legit. One guy in the city asked for additional photos and more info about the car. The second one asked for the location of the vehicle. Both didn't respond back to my emails. The third, a woman, pulled up red flags with me. She responded fairly quickly and didn't ask for details about the Audi other than wanting to test drive and see it "up close and personal" ASAP.

First off, this woman sent a form letter. How do I know this? She sent me the same email twice except one said "interested in your car" and the other "interested in your Audi". Secondly, she didn't ask questions. If you were willing to shell out several thousand on a vehicle, wouldn't you want to ask questions about it before making a trip to test drive? Maybe I'm wrong and I shouldn't be too cautious. She gave me a 209 cell # and her full name. I googled her. I couldn't find much info. My gut feeling was that something wasn't quite right. There are a lot of scammers out there and my instinct was telling me to pass on this one. The more I thought about it, the stronger my thoughts said no.

What would happen if my friend, desperate to sell his Audi, accepts this woman's cashier's check? I doubt my friend would be savvy enough to call the bank where the check came from and confirm that the funds are there. What if he cashes it, hands over his car and title, only to find out a week later that the check didn't clear? I would feel terrible to let a friend get screwed over even though he probably deserves a lesson in the value of money. But that is beside the point. He asked for my help and I agreed to do just that.

I decided to call up my friend and tell him to cancel their meeting for today. I had my doubts and having to drive out to meet this person for a test drive in the middle of the day would have strapped him for time anyway. Better safe than sorry.

We will miss you, Brenda

It is with great sadness to have received news that my friend, Brenda Donato, passed away today. Below is the email I received from TnT Manager Monica Healy..
____________________________________
Brenda passed away tonight, just after 5 pm. She was surrounded by her family and loving friends.




Tonight, we can rest easy that she is at peace. She fought an amazing fight - right up until the end. Our real work begins now. We need to keep her spirit alive in everything we do. The world needs and deserves Brenda and it is our job to make sure they experience the wonderful, loving, big-hearted, spirited and of course, 'freakishly strong' person that we knew.
___________________________________

I first met Brenda when I participated on the East Bay run team back in Fall 2005. She was one of our team Honorees and gave moving and emotional speeches to the team when we needed the motivation the most.

I remember running into her at Sports Authority in Concord on a Thursday in 2005 during a rare day off work. She was there with her oldest son shopping for triathlete clothing. Brenda was so positive and always in a cheery mood, it was infectious. She told me she was signing up for the Tri team next season and would be participating in the Wildflower in May 2006. Even with such a terrible disease, her spirit was stronger than anyone I have ever known and she didn't let anything slow her down. Brenda trained and completed the Wildflower Olympic with her team and I have never been more happy and proud of her.

Brenda has been such an inspiration for me that I feel blessed to have known her. I will miss her very much.. Rest in peace.

when I know it's not going to work

Many people, specifically women, fall into the casual relationship trap. I thought I could handle it. The theory that lovers without commitment is the way to go when both parties want their physical needs met without having to deal with the time, energy and money necessary for a "serious" relationship is flawed. I know full well that I would eventually start to get emotionally attached and want something more than the physical aspect of a relationship. How long could I hold out? Not very long, it seems.

I asked questions last night and got a mishmash of answers that pointed in the general direction of what I expected. It is a casual relationship. It is a FWB relationship. It will go nowhere. I am wasting time. I miss dating. I miss feeling special. I miss planning outings together on weekends. I miss the "little things" like holding hands, kissing, all the public displays of affection.

Now, I'm at that point where I feel emptier every time a hookup occurs. Before I fall deeper in, I need to get out and fast. It's inevitable. My friends all saw that it was inevitable. Cut the cord, they would tell me. Move on. Find someone who has the time and can give you what you want. But it's always easier said than done.

Submitted my fifteen and now I have a migraine

I finished writing my first 15 pages and sent it out to my class today. And I currently have a massive migraine after eating one too many apple sour candies. I'm fidgety and anxious and annoyed that my so-called special friend, has not called me about tonight's evening plans. I am perturbed. I accepted a free movie invite from a girlfriend rather than wait for my "friend" for our usual Friday night hookup. What is pathetic is that I need that hookup! It's what I have been looking forward to at the end of this stressful work week. Damn him. I have to trade in for another lover. This current one is not working well for me.

11 pages down and 300+ to go

I have been diligently plugging away on my novel and managed to write 12 pages worth since last Saturday. This is pathetic. I tend to write a paragraph, stop, read it through, make some edits, re-write, and then move on only to return to the original paragraph and do more edits. No wonder it's taking me a long time to write 15 pages.
Yes, 15 pages that I need to submit by midnight tomorrow. I lack the discipline to just sit and write. Not edit. Not read over what I wrote. But to write and write and not stop until I have some semblance of a story.
At least my outline I drew up is helping me along and 12 pages really isn't that bad. Three more to go..

I think I lost five pounds this weekend

Spending a Friday evening drinking with my ex and his friends isn't always the wisest way to start a weekend. But I had nothing better to do so I joined my ex's group at Thirsty Bear. I had a stout and very little to eat for dinner. That was my first mistake. We then headed off to John Collins and I ordered an Old Fashioned (50 ml rye whiskey or Bourbon, splash of simple syrup, two dashes bitters, ice and garnished with an orange peel twist), then a gin and tonic. I even had a sip or two of my ex's jack and coke. Mistake number two. Never mix drinks. Within two hours, I was very sick and made at least three trips to the restroom to purge. My stomach was beyond empty and I couldn't have been more lightheaded. I drove there so my keys were passed to John, the semi-sober one in the group. He managed to get all five of us back to the ex's house in one piece.

I spent the rest of the evening downing water while everyone else drank more beer and smoked their weed. I never would have thought I would be hanging out with people with bad vices when two years ago, I was married, living in the suburbs, acting like a 50 yr old with a very mellow lifestyle. What happened and why am I hanging out with children?

To my friend on Grove St:

I'm terminating the benefits of our friendship.

Last Friday was the last straw. You have never called me without wanting something and that night was no exception. I have to draw the line somewhere and you managed to cross a number of them in a short amount of time.

1. When you asked me to join you and your friend at Zam Zam on Haight for a drink, I was well aware that I would be your ride home. Next time, ask for the ride. Don't curse at me for taking five minutes too long to get there.

2. How very thoughtful of you to buy me a drink that you drank after spilling half of it on my shirt.

3. In your drunken stupor, you made not one, but two racist comments about my nationality. I should have smacked you upside the head but I didn't want to humiliate you in front of our fellow bar patrons. You were doing a great job of that before I arrived.

4. It was nice to have seen your friend again, but when he started to take liberties with his roaming hands, I was not amused when you thought this was hilarious.

5. When I drove your drunken ass home, the wise thing to do was thank me and go. Not wrestle for the car keys, grab my wrists and pull me out of the driver's seat by way of the passenger seat onto your driveway. Was this your way of telling me you want me to stay the night?

6. It would have been wiser to have let me go home rather than chase me down your street and carry me to your front door when I attempted to escape. You nearly dropped me on my head during my struggle after saying I was "kinda heavy". You're lucky all 130lbs of me was too tired to slap you at 2am.

7. When I told you I had to be somewhere at 6:30 that morning and the alarm needed to be set at 5, you kept asking me why. I repeated myself three times and your foggy state of mind still didn't understand.

8. I said I was in no mood to cuddle, yet you wrapped your sweaty limbs around me in a vice grip and wouldn't let go until you passed out. I'm sure you knew you reeked of stale cigarettes and alcohol.

9. It was quite unnecessary for you to kiss me in the morning. A simple thank you would have sufficed. But you had to show me how grateful you were even when I had to hold my breath and keep my face from showing utter disgust while you shoved your dry tongue down my throat.

10. When I called to see if you were doing all right, I got your version of the night which consisted of you being the chivalrous guy who couldn't possibly take advantage of my drunken state of sexual arousal. And you actually believed your story.

I'm very happy you're still hurting from the hangover. However, you are my friend and as a friend, I'll cut you some slack but your benefits have been terminated.

Happy Valentine's Day!

My sweet, lovable dog left me a present this morning. A pile of poop in the garage! My guy knows exactly how to put a smile on my face. And because I'm feeling good today, I sent out a vcard to Solan's friend Gabby. See below:

| Click to Play Now

and I thought I made myself clear..

Upon leaving Doc's Clocks, I was slightly intoxicated after drinking two beers at this SF30-something social gathering my friend invited me along to last night. I suggested we stop off at Muddy Waters for a coffee. I needed the coffee to sober up. She only had a cranberry juice at the bar and seemed annoyed that I couldn't handle my liquor. I'm Asian. What does she expect?

At Muddy Water's, a divey coffee shop that smelled like the men's bathroom urinals at a truck stop, several marked up wooden tables were surrounded by geek-tech men and a sprinkling of sour looking, bespeckled women intensely playing an assortment of board games. Apparently, it was game night at Muddy's.

In my usual domineering and focused determination, I made a direct bee-line to the open counter and ordered my small, soy latte to go before finding an empty table to sit down with my friend.

She watched me while I sipped my latte. Her eyes, probing, shifting slightly right and left until I couldn't take it anymore and started babbling about the pub trivia night with my ex two days before. My story seemed to distract her from staring at me too hard. Then she breaks her silence and asks, "Don't you miss wearing your wedding ring?"

Uh, no. I don't. "I don't miss it at all, actually." I replied.

"Well, good! Because he cheated on you, you know. He cheated." Her voice went up an octave and I knew half the gamers within earshot heard her but pretended not to have.

Was she trying to make me feel awful and her stating the obvious is going to justify a past decision that I know was right?

"Hey, this is a sore topic for me," I said. "Let's change the subject. I'd rather not talk about it."

My friend nods in assent and is quiet for all of two minutes before opening her mouth and repeating again. "He cheated on you. I'm glad you're not with him. I mean, he cheated. That's bad."

I took one look at her, stood up from my chair and excused myself to use the lavatory. I was speechless. I wanted to raise my hand, reach over the table and smack my friend across the cheek. But I didn't. I walked away. Clearly, I needed a breather and a bathroom break was definitely in order.

Again, I have to remind myself that my dear friend suffers from bi-polar schizophrenia and it's the medication she's on that eliminates any tact and social grace that any decent person would otherwise have.

When I returned, I grabbed my jacket from the back of my chair, pulled it on and asked her if she was ready to go. Our night was over and I wanted to leave as soon as possible lest she open her big mouth and humiliate me some more. And that was the highlight for another Friday evening.

Old times

I wanted to bail on trivia night at Tonic bar. It was rainy out. I was wearing my less than glamourous sweats, and my car was parked in a perfect location, right in front of the house. I didn't want to go out.

But my ex called and wanted to know if I was on the road to his place. We planned to carpool to Tonic earlier in the day and meet his friends there. I left a message on his cell in the hopes he would get it and not call. He failed to check his vm. All his friends bailed on him by vm. Another hour and I decided to meet him at the Pig and Whistle for trivia there.

The Pig and Whistle is the kind of establishment I'm used to. The clientele, mostly unpretentious hipsters, is more my scene and the bartenders know how to make an awesome Black Velvet. The Tonic, on the other hand, is as close to a typical Marina frat/sorority bar filled with 20 and 30-something trust fund kids who live and breath Sex and the City drama.

The two of us, the ex and I, at a bar on trivia night sharing several Black Velvets, brought back memories. It was fun. Like old times. Just like old times.

Writing and meditating and..

I'm holding myself to my resolutions for this year and I'm pretty damn proud of myself for not taking the easy route and letting it fall to the wayside.

I know I tend to talk trash and then not act on anything but this is the year I am changing course.
I signed up for a 10-week Writing workshop to hone the written craft. I registered for another season of dodge ball and I started a 6-week meditation course to force a little relaxation into my life.

My knee is holding up and running hasn't been a painful process. Bowling night is in the works and pub trivia is on the horizon for tomorrow night. I feel so socially adept.

so trivial

Life can be so trivial and dry. I sometimes wonder what is the point of living. I'm not in a slump though. On the contrary, it's the opposite. I have so many activities going on, it can be overwhelming. I must just be overwhelmed.

Either that or I just feel a tiny bit empty after hooking up with my ex over the weekend. I guess I thought I would feel a little passion for him but it was the alcohol driving my actions and when it was over, I just wanted to get the hell out. He didn't want me to leave. I think he enjoyed my presence and the comfort of sleeping with someone familiar. I, on the other hand, couldn't sleep. And I did manage to leave when he was too tired to stop me a third time.

Now, we are back where we started with less commitment.

Resolving 2007

Another year come and gone and I'm getting older like everyone else. As with the beginning of every new year, I reflect, evaluate, and pull my hair out until I'm annoyed with the way my life has been going. It's a vicious cycle and I detest the holidays.

So, here are my resolutions that I usually forget to follow but I'm making it easy on myself by stating the obvious ones first.

1) Resolve to not get botox nor cosmetic surgery. (This has never occurred anyway)
2) Vary my exercise regime.
3) Write, create, and capture.
4) Travel, explore, experience.
5) Be myself. Trust my feelings and go with it.

yea! Silversun pickups!

Last minute planning but I persuaded my friend, Mike, to come out and see Silversun Pickups at Popscene last night. Great show! despite starting an hour late and ending well past my bedtime on a work night.

Looking greed in the eye

and not liking what I saw. Seems as though one of our tenants decided that my brother and I are stupid enough to pay her in exchange for taking her off her rental contract when in fact, said tenant has already moved and left the state of California.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but why would anyone want to do that when A) we do not want to remove the tenants and B) we would like our tenants to continue renting for an indefinite period of time?

Well, the tenants' view is that Prop H passed. So, what? Relocation costs apply to no-fault evictions. For one, we have not evicted anyone. Two, she has moved out on her own accord. Three, relocation costs do not apply to someone who wants to terminate her rental contract.

But I suppose the tenants had this wonderfully, bright idea to see if we would agree to their terms with the assumption that we are desperate to live in our recently purchased property. Incorrect assumption, I would say.

So, it seems that one tenant has left the state without giving notice and the other tenant (the master tenant) decides to sublet the room without acquiring written consent from us (the owners) as stated in her rental contract. We are not going to do anything but take a wait and see stance. If the tenants violate their contract, which they are heading in that direction, then let them. We'll see who's playing by the rules and who isn't.

looking smaller than I imagined..

When I'm interested in someone, I place that person on a pedestal well above me. Like an idol to worship in awe. He stays there during the dating process and remains for however long I want to believe the relationship will work. But eventually, the relationship doesn't and I leave him on the pedestal and wonder what happened and why we didn't work.

Time passes and I move on to someone else. The next time I see my ex, he appears smaller than I imagined; harmless looking, uninteresting and not very attractive. It's an obvious pattern of mine. Could I have been so blind before? Maybe so.

The other night, I finally met the guy from the speed date event for dinner at Tsunami. After our meal, we dropped by the Fly for a drink. I was a little concerned that I might see the ex there (his regular watering hole). The ex did arrive along with his friend but they didn't see me.

I decided to stop by the bathroom before leaving the bar knowing full well that I would A) pass the ex twice and B) make him aware that I was there. The first pass to the bathroom, I ignored him. On my way out, I looked directly at him with a smirk on my face. Both he and his friend looked right back at me. Then I bumped into the waitress who cut in front of me which broke the staring contest. When I looked back up, he looked like he was going to smile or say hello but he didn't. He just turned his body toward me as I passed.

I had this huge grin on my face when I picked up my jacket and my date upon leaving. It's juvenile to be so smug knowing that an ex just saw me leave with another guy from a bar that we used to visit frequently. But it felt great, nevertheless.

Five feet in the hole

In two days I will be a homeowner, again. This time around I'll have a much larger debt to my name with a smaller living space in the wonderful city I grew up in.

I'm trying to be positive about this. Whether it was the right or wrong time to buy property, the deed's signed, the money's transferred, and the keys to the duplex will be in my brother's and my hands shortly. Is there ever a right time to buy? Maybe there is but I'm thinking long term. In a decade, the property will be worth more than what we paid. And after the planned remodeling and upgrades as well as the condo conversion within the next year, each flat will be at least $80k over the original price if we were to sell at that point.

At least I keep telling myself this. After running the numbers and checking my financial statements, I'll be in the red and dipping in my meager savings for several years before breaking even unless I acquire a higher paying job soon. I'm working on it. The holidays aren't exactly ripe with job openings.

I'll be glad when the tenants have vacated (in two months) and my dog and I will be able to move into our new home and start the tear down and build up, back-breaking work ahead. Looking forward to 2007.