To my friend on Grove St:

I'm terminating the benefits of our friendship.

Last Friday was the last straw. You have never called me without wanting something and that night was no exception. I have to draw the line somewhere and you managed to cross a number of them in a short amount of time.

1. When you asked me to join you and your friend at Zam Zam on Haight for a drink, I was well aware that I would be your ride home. Next time, ask for the ride. Don't curse at me for taking five minutes too long to get there.

2. How very thoughtful of you to buy me a drink that you drank after spilling half of it on my shirt.

3. In your drunken stupor, you made not one, but two racist comments about my nationality. I should have smacked you upside the head but I didn't want to humiliate you in front of our fellow bar patrons. You were doing a great job of that before I arrived.

4. It was nice to have seen your friend again, but when he started to take liberties with his roaming hands, I was not amused when you thought this was hilarious.

5. When I drove your drunken ass home, the wise thing to do was thank me and go. Not wrestle for the car keys, grab my wrists and pull me out of the driver's seat by way of the passenger seat onto your driveway. Was this your way of telling me you want me to stay the night?

6. It would have been wiser to have let me go home rather than chase me down your street and carry me to your front door when I attempted to escape. You nearly dropped me on my head during my struggle after saying I was "kinda heavy". You're lucky all 130lbs of me was too tired to slap you at 2am.

7. When I told you I had to be somewhere at 6:30 that morning and the alarm needed to be set at 5, you kept asking me why. I repeated myself three times and your foggy state of mind still didn't understand.

8. I said I was in no mood to cuddle, yet you wrapped your sweaty limbs around me in a vice grip and wouldn't let go until you passed out. I'm sure you knew you reeked of stale cigarettes and alcohol.

9. It was quite unnecessary for you to kiss me in the morning. A simple thank you would have sufficed. But you had to show me how grateful you were even when I had to hold my breath and keep my face from showing utter disgust while you shoved your dry tongue down my throat.

10. When I called to see if you were doing all right, I got your version of the night which consisted of you being the chivalrous guy who couldn't possibly take advantage of my drunken state of sexual arousal. And you actually believed your story.

I'm very happy you're still hurting from the hangover. However, you are my friend and as a friend, I'll cut you some slack but your benefits have been terminated.