This final "break"

After all my misgivings about my relationship with Chris, he came to the same realization that has been going through my mind for some time. The long distance is a factor and he's not the type to compromise in a relationship. I have felt for several weeks that being in a relationship where you only see the person on weekends for a couple hours is sort of like a "friends with benefits" situation. At the time, when I brought this up with Chris, he didn't see it that way.

Now, several weeks have passed since that last conversation and he has thought things through and came to the conclusion that yes, I am correct. Our relationship can not work. Then why am I miserable and hurt and upset and frustrated? I knew that this would end sooner or later. Maybe I thought there was hope in the near future that things would change. I would move closer to where he lives or either of us would be more than willing to drive the distance to see one another during the week. False hope.

I know I jumped head long into this and despite all the negatives that I brought up daily, I still liked Chris and I was more than willing to stick it out. Maybe that's a sign of "settling" when I think I can't do better. And I feel stupid for getting emotionally involved anyway when Chris, in fact, just told me that he didn't have as strong feelings for me. He actually said that he expected to "fall in love" with me and since it wasn't happening now, it probably won't ever. Who falls in love that quickly? He told me this and more on the phone tonight and to hear it, especially when I know it is partly true, is like a knife being pushed into my chest. It hurts. It really does. But it doesn't matter. It's over and I'm mad at him and I'm mad at myself.

The sad irony of it all is that not only do I know that things would not have worked out between us, but I still joined TnT anyway partly to see what Chris is raving about all the time and secondly, so I would have the opportunity to see more of him. Obviously, the joke's on me and yes, he was smug about it when I told him that I did join his "cult". He laughed and thought it was the "greatest thing".

Well, I'll get over it. I'm going through a divorce right now so a breakup isn't all that bad.