I have no ill will

It's raining outside. Actually, it's pouring down in sheets and the clouds above the city look rather gloomy and foreboding as though something terrible my occur today. And I'm inside my office building on the 5th floor looking out at the gloom and doom and I'm smiling. Yes, I'm happy that water is coming out of the sky in buckets. Why? Because the rain is washing away all the pollen in the air and I can finally breath easy. Having allergies is a pain and after wiping a runny nose a dozen times a day until the skin on my upper lip is red and chafed dry isn't my idea of fun. So, no allergies today. And with the rain, I know for a fact that my ex-friend won't be working today. He can't fly let alone teach flying in stormy weather. No work means no money earned and nowhere to go and nothing to do but surf the web and look for online dates in the hopes of not being alone all day. I'm very happy that it's raining. Now, if only this weather would last until Spring time. Wouldn't that be nice? It would. Yes, it would.

and the drama continues...

The other night, I met my non-ex's friend, John (I consider him my friend also) for drinks at Hobson's Choice on Haight. We're chatting about relationships and just "shooting the shit" when the non-ex wants to meet for drinks. He's unaware that I'm with John right now and when he's told of that, he changes his mind. I think nothing of it.

Today, I get the following txt:
"Hey do me a favor try not to hang out with my friends. I don't go looking up yours. If I'm such a terrible friend my friends are too.
That really pisses me off. Your a hypocrit."

So I respond with the following:
"What the fuck is your problem? Your friends can decide for themselves who they want to hang with. If this is an issue, go talk to john about it. You have no respect for me so I have none for you."

He shoots off a glaringly insecure response that screams immature school yard tantrum:
"I will. I think we know who he will choose? Don't we.
Don't kid yourself."

I won't respond back and will let this be. All I could do was laugh and call up friends and tell them of the latest drama. The unfortunate thing is that I lost a potential friend in John to the non-ex's childish behavior. But his anger just confirmed my original decision and I'm seeing the non-ex in such a negative light that I'm thankful I am free of him.

Sunkissed and refreshed

I returned home from a well-rested Hawaii vacation with my dear friend earlier this week. And now that I'm back, I dealt with the last remnants of the ex-relationship. Finally. I ended it completely and letting go what I should have done a long, long time ago. I learned my lesson and won't make that mistake again.

We met the day after I got back to the city and I vented my frustrations and hurt feelings. All he could say was that he was "sorry". There really wasn't anything more he could do at that point. The damage was already done and for me, there really wasn't anything going back to. He wanted to remain friends, as in, "true friends". His words, not mine. I was, of course, hurt. To think that being intimate meant nothing to him and was just "an added bonus" to what I now believe, was a superficial friendship, made me realize what a fool I have been. I couldn't be friends with someone who had no respect for me.

I spotted this article about the age old "friends" issue here which pretty much summed up my past situation and given time, I'll be a happier and healthier person without him.

Deleted all his emails, all photos, contact information, etc. Erased for good.

Off to Hawaii

I'm leaving shortly after work today for a long overdue vacation in Hawaii. It'll be nice to get away from the bay area and re-energize. This will give me time to think about what I want and what I should do about "Alfred" and my half-hearted quasi-non-relationship.

UPDATE:
I emailed him before I left for my trip with my explanation and how hurt I felt. He repeated the whole "let's be friends" lecture and didn't apologize for his past behavior until I asked for it. Then I got an insincere one.

I returned the key

It's been two weeks and I decided to drop off my ex's house key this morning. I didn't need it anymore and returning items is a form of closure for me. I could have thrown it away and let it be. But well, I wanted him to know I was sad. So I attached his house key to one of my Yoshitomo Nara postcards titled "My 13th Sad Day" and written "your house key. Thanks." It has been exactly 13 days since our fight. The postcard was very appropriate.

He texted me this morning with the following:

"Got the key. If your able to be friends let me know. It would be a shame to let everything(sic) go."

I'm still deciding if I should respond or let it be. I think I'm expecting an apology or acceptance of his responsibility in all this. Or maybe I just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired.

UPDATE: He didn't understand the card's meaning and thought it was "creepy". Whatever.

from being special to nothing

That's exactly how I have been feeling since August 6th. What was supposed to be a fun, entertaining post birthday celebration of flying around the bay area and watching a Giants game with Alfred turned into a reality wake up call for me. I had my emotions pummeled, my feelings mocked and deflated, and my overall sense of self worth thrown around like a piece of overused trash. And that's putting things lightly.

Time has healed the wounds and I'm not as angry and hurt as I was on that drama-filled Monday. The writing was on the wall, so to speak, and I'm finally seeing the impossibility of remaining friends with someone who treats me with little respect. I have decided to terminate my friendship with Alfred. I had enough of him and his toxic behavior has put a damper on my moralistic views. An on/off relationship of one year with someone who is irresponsible and childish is now over. I wash my hands clean of him.

And then..

To recap this month of July:

Dodge ball has ended. We won the first round but lost in the finals.
Solan and I temporarily moved into our new home. I sleep on an aerobed while Solan has the carpeted floor and the run of the flat. I prep and cook meals on cabinet shelving and eat standing up. I have one patio recliner so I don't have to sit on the floor. There is no other furniture.
I'm spending more money at the neighborhood bars and getting sloshed than I did in the last six months combined.
I was invited to three baby showers and one bridal shower. I'm only attending the bridal shower.
I attended all of ONE singles event, which was free, and received ZERO dates out of it. This should tell me something..
I ran a half marathon yesterday. Took a wrong turn and screwed up my official time.
I smoked pot for the first time since college. It had no effect on me.
I hugged Alfred during one of our drunken nights out and he bit my arm so I punched his arm half a dozen times. He sports a decent sized bruise now and I sport a bruise that resembles a bite mark. We obviously have a very special relationship.

I'm seeing Alfred E. Neuman

My special ex-b/f and I are hanging out again. The more I see him, the more I think he looks like Alfred E. Neuman. I think I'll call him Alfred from now on. And yes, he doesn't worry. Heck, he doesn't even care.


Working on acquiring a comparison photo..

He's no friend of mine

I'm in a state of mellow disrepair today. I planned to go out and watch the Pride parade but I woke up too late and feeling as though my head's about to explode, I decided it's best to take it easy.

These long nights are starting to take it's toll on me and it's becoming difficult to stay social and generally "awake". Friday night wasn't too bad. Met up with my "special friend" for sushi before hanging out with his posse at Red Devil to hear French Disco headline. Music was entertaining but my planned talk didn't fare well and my friend's ambiguous one-liners about our "friendly" relationship upset me. I can't deal with the wishy washy attitude he has. I'm much too old to be dealing with a fwb situation. I don't have time for the drama. He really is not a friend of mine. I need to clarify our relationship and I'm tired of not knowing where we really stand. I feel like I have wasted too much of my time and getting emotionally attached because of it.

my future home in a month..

It's the peach colored duplex on the right...

feeling young again

After a game of dodge ball last evening, my team and I headed to Pig and Whistle for a little team drinking and socializing. Turns out that I'm the oldest one in the group with the majority being 28 yrs old. With the several pitchers of beer we were downing, they thought I was 28 also. I'm glad they thought that. I don't want to be the grandma in the group.

Google everywhere

Everyone knows by now that Google has their hand in everything it seems. Just yesterday, they added "Street Views" on Google Maps. It's a bit like Big Brother is watching us all. When were these 360 degree photos taken? That's what I want to know and how often do they get updated?

Check out this view of my neighborhood. A bit creepy...